I cannot for the life of me figure out what the big deal is with Resistance 2.

I had put it on my Christmas wish list almost as a goof. I’d figured my family was likely to steer towards something that looked less violent and un-Christian, possibly something involving kittens or Care Bears. But they got it for me alright and — amusingly — went on to give my cousin Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe, possibly as a pointed jab to remind me that I will never be able to figure them out. Message received, guys.

Anyway, I was determined to love this game. For the six months or so I’ve owned a PS3 I’ve been treating it like a roommate after a fight, skulking around and avoiding the living room. Previous so-called system blockbusters failed to grip me in any meaningful way, much to my personal shame. Resistance, however, pulled down a 87 on Metacritic, something I used to take as a positive omen. Now I have come to question my faith in this system, shaking me to my very core.

As an avid Halo 3 fan, I’ve got no beef with console shooters. I won’t even penalize a game like that for its ridiculous lack of any coherent storyline. I do, however, require the sensation that skill has taken some precedence over trial, error, and dumb luck. Since your alien opponents are all apparently master sharpshooters at any distance, you are repeatedly encouraged to find cover. Not by any technique so fancy and newfangled as you might find in Gears of War or Ghost Recon, but by simply ducking down. The problem with this is that the basic grunt enemies are a biathlete breed, capable of sprinting up behind you and killing you in a single blow while you stare dumbly at the wall in front of you. Among the frequently repeated experiences of my life, this one ranks pretty low.

It gets better, of course. In many areas of the game there are enemies who not only wield the Finger of Instant Death, but they are invisible and will appear out of nowhere five yards away from you, charging like a bull at red cloth. This means that the trick to beating these fuckers is frequently simply to be killed by them, and then memorize where they’re at for your next pass through. Do you remember the movie Groundhog’s Day, where Bill Murray was trapped repeating the same day over and over again until he became a good enough person that he was finally let free? It’s like that, except instead of a cute movie premise it’s actually an aggravating, shitty game mechanic.

At this point, I’m simply holding out hope for Killzone 2. Three games into the platform and I’m already like a battered spouse. I pray that one of you has the common decency to stage an intervention.

Also: Oh, hi. Welcome back. Bear with me as I try to remember how to do this.